I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
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My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
me irl
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze