I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
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*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
The Compass
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
based al yankovic
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Erm…
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down