Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
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my nickname in college
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.