My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
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Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Kids: Stay in school.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*