Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
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Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Did my cat write this
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
new career option?
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this