They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
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Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
constantly working on myself.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.