Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
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Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
How it started: How it’s going:
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
no one likes gloating
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater