I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!