There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
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they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
japanese corn
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Not my job 😂
🙄😏😂🤣
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*