Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
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My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
podcasts
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?