I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
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My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Venn
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.