I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
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What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Become ungovernable.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Every house has this drawer
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol