A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
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[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Ironic
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
TODAY
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.