Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
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[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.