Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
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“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I really had high hopes for this year though
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.