[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
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Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Every haunted house movie:
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”