[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
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No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.