People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
You Might Also Like
Steam Forums
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 馃檮
did it work
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.