Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
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*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I’d … I’d rather not.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks