My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
You Might Also Like
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Kentucky names the shit out of places
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants