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DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Spider-cat: No One Home
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
even bears disappoint their mothers
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know