I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
You Might Also Like
🤣🤣🤣
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Self-cleaning conscience
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.