“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
You Might Also Like
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit