I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
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Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Always a metermaid never a meter
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
men, we mow at sunrise.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.