Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
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COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”