Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
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date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
2022 be like
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.