Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Doormats are a gateway rug.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.