*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.