Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
You Might Also Like
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
my first dose meeting my second
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
umm…
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless