you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
You Might Also Like
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.