Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
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If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”