“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
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Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast