[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
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Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
i- i did not expect this
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
584.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”