Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
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[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I hate my earbuds.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
felt that
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.