When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
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Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by