Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
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I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.