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I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I can’t wait!
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP