[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
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A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
#MeanwhileInCanada
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Just so funny
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.