BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
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Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
“I FIXED IT!”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Scream sneezers need love too.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.