i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
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eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
A double negative is a big no-no.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
We avoided this particular disaster
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job