Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
You Might Also Like
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Herpes is trending, good job people
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.