Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
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My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me