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PhewThe Chosen Phew
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For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
what?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die