[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
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When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.