A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
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Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*