the red hot silly peppers
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There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*