[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
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When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
This will never not be funny 😭
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.