Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
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It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
🤣dope
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.