The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
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My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.