Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
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If you think there鈥檚 nothing better than sex, you鈥檝e never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn鈥檛 a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here鈥檚 a beard.
Sex is like pizza, there鈥檚 NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Someone punctured my boss鈥檚 tires and I鈥檓 definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
The Internet wins again..馃憞馃憞馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃憦馃憦
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I鈥檓 still waiting for the day my patents will say:
鈥淚t鈥檚 all fake son, we鈥檙e millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Mission: Impossible
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…